Goodbye

‘Mate, stop crying. You’re an ugly crier,’ Lad Boy said, rubbing my arm. ‘I…know…’ I said in between sobs. Awhile back I was offered a job outside of the UK and I took it. The evening before I was meant to leave I went out with Lad Boy to “celebrate”. Three hours earlier I rang the doorbell and Lad Boy opened the door moments later. ‘Heyyy!’ ‘Yoooo!’ I said, hugging him. We migrated into his flat and to his kitchen where I saw an empty box of champagne that I had left at his house months before. ‘Did you drink that?!’ I asked. ‘No, you ruh-tard, we said we’d save it for a special event, and here it is! Your big move!’ ‘Yay!’ I said, feigning enthusiasm. He poured the champagne and we clinked our glasses together. ‘Cheers,’ he said ‘Cheers,’ I said, taking a sip. The champagne had gone off. Probably not stored at the right temperature. It didn’t matter, and I pretended not to notice. We headed out to the east end and at one point passed that massive mural of a mole in Shoreditch. ‘Stand in front of it!’ I said, taking out my camera. He posed in [...] There's more...

BAFTA: Why I’ve been M.I.A.

I decided to enter a competition for comedy screenwriting. A BAFTA competition. Essentially, take whatever posts I’ve written since graduating from uni, and insert real names and more details, and I’ve written a telly series about it. Ok, I sat in a pub with my laptop and wrote it, having never written anything in a telly script form. I literally printed out a BBC script and copied the format. I know nothing about screenwriting. I thought, that given all of you have been so generous in your comments and supportive in my endeavours, that you would like to hear some of the feedback. So here it is! “READER SYNOPSIS OF AN IDEA: The fundamental question here is would people care about a bunch of rather snobbish Oxbridge graduates and their likes/dislikes about life and their careers? More work is needed to build empathy here.” I had honestly never thought of it that way, and it’s a fair enough assertion of how ridiculous some of our complaints sound. I mean, it’s not like we’re Made in Chelsea, but I suppose we complain about some pretty insignificant things. “SCRIPT EXTRACT: The extract opens with a rather awkward sex scene where the dialogue [...] There's more...

The Tinder Date Part V

The morning sun was shining aggressively through my window. My eyes fluttered open and I squinted at the light. I needed the loo but had positioned myself on the side of the bed that is next to the wall and turned my head to see my date passed out next to me. My pyjamas were on the floor next to him and I was suddenly aware of how naked I was. I wanted to climb over him to dress but worried that he would wake mid-007 manoeuvre and catch me in a less than flattering pose. I wriggled around a bit to see if he would wake up. Nothing. I coughed. Still, nothing. So I risked it and ninja’d my way over him to grab a t-shirt and a pair of pants from next to the bed. I watched him as I picked them up and slowly pulled them towards me. He didn’t wake up, so I tried to subtly get my clothes on whilst horizontal. He stirred a bit and I froze. Once he resumed his heavy breathing I continued pulling on my clothes. Finally, dressed, I proceeded to properly climb over him. He woke up as I was straddling him. [...] There's more...

The Tinder Date IV

We walked into the second pub of the evening and went straight to the bar. ‘What would you like?’ he asked. ‘It’s my round.’ ‘Don’t worry about it, why don’t you go grab that table? They serve Aspall so I can probably guess what you’d like,’ he said, smiling. I laughed. ‘Am I that transparent?’ ‘What number is this? Didn’t you say five Aspalls make you crazy?’ ‘This is only number three.’ ‘Two to go!’ I rolled my eyes and took one of his bags with me to the table. It was a booth-like setting and when he returned he sat directly next to me, as opposed to across from me as I would have expected someone in a normal social situation to do. ‘Cheers,’ he said, raising his glass to mine. ‘Cheers,’ I said. ‘So what else do you like besides Aspall?’ ‘I like watching rugby.’ He turned away in exasperation before declaring, ‘Fuck, you’re cool.’ ‘You’re pretty easy to impress.’ ‘I love rugby. I play with a club in London. Well, usually I do, but I hurt my wrist a couple of weeks ago and this is actually the first week that I haven’t had to wear a brace on [...] There's more...

The Tinder Date Part III

‘Cheers,’ I said as we clinked pint glasses. I took a sip and then decided the best thing to say first was, ‘Just to let you know, I have never been on a date with anyone from Tinder.’ ‘Wow,’ he said laughing. ‘It’s only been thirty seconds and you’re already going there?’ ‘Well it should be a compliment, really.’ ‘I suppose it is. How long do I have before you decide whether or not you’re going to stick around?’ ‘Well, I actually lined up ten Tinder dates tonight, so you’ve got about five minutes before I have to meet the next one. I figured that if I’m going to try Tinder dating I should go big or go home. I’m going to be ham-mered by the tenth guy.’ He laughed. ‘I’m definitely joking by the way.’ ‘That would be amazing though, Tinder speed dating.’ ‘Would it?’ I asked, skeptically. ‘No, probably not.’ ‘Have you ever been out with anyone from Tinder?’ ‘Yeah, maybe like three girls. They were all quite strange.’ ‘Tinder is very strange. I don’t understand why people write, “I’ll lie about where we met.” I’m like, why? Everyone I know has Tinder, it’s not like we met at [...] There's more...

The Tinder Date Part II

As I was getting ready for work on Friday I realised that I hadn’t heard from the guy on Tinder since we had agreed to go on the date. I considered that maybe, karmically, I was finally getting a taste of my own medicine as I had agreed to go out with about three people on Tinder before and then either blocked them or stopped texting back. Maybe he had spoken to our mutual friends and found out that I had slept with one of the three people we had in common. How small is London by the way when I’m only two degrees of separation from a stranger and someone that I’ve slept with? I had to decide quickly if I was going to prepare for this date or not. I looked at the state of my bedroom and decided that I definitely would not be bringing anyone back to mine anytime soon, and decided to wear an outfit that would also be appropriate for both work and a date as he hadn’t explicitly cancelled on me yet. I also grabbed my gym bag since I figured that I would just go for a swim after work if he never texted. By late [...] There's more...

The Tinder Date Part I

A couple of months ago I received a text from Kate. So I went out on a date with someone from Tinder last night and ended up sleeping with him. That’s how Tinder works, right?  I laughed and started writing back. Pretty sure it is, yeah We had signed up to Tinder drunkenly a couple months earlier but it had become little more than a pastime. I don’t know what was so addictive about judging people, but it was fun at first. I had a couple of conversations, but had never spoken to anyone I was bothered about enough to meet in person. I feel like I meet enough people organically and have never actually felt like online dating is for me. Kate and I had agreed that we should each go on at least one Tinder date, but she was the only one holding up her side of the bargain. At one point in a moment of inspiration I declared that I would go on a Tinder date every day for a fortnight, but that was just drunken rambling and a statement that everyone knew they’d never be able to hold me to. I had for the most part forgotten about Tinder, [...] There's more...

The Saturday Morning Debrief

Myself and some friends from work headed to one of the local pubs near our office after work on Friday. Countless rounds of pints and shots later I was bored and decided to plan for the second phase of my evening. I wrote, copied, and texted, Hey what are you up to this weekend? x, to about seven guys. Four of whom I had slept with and was basically seeing if they wanted a repeat performance, and three of whom were mates that I just genuinely wanted to hang out with this weekend.   I figured that casting a wide net gave me better odds than just texting one person and my strategy proved rather successful. I heard back from a guy I use to sleep with at uni who said that he would be near my office on Monday and asked whether I’d like to meet for lunch and two other texts from the guys who were mates to see if I wanted to do something over the weekend. I decided to call the guy who I wanted to sleep with that was closest to where I was, but it went to voicemail. About an hour later he texted [...] There's more...

The Weekend Boyfriend

‘We need weekend boyfriends.’ Kate said to me one day last summer over glasses of cava.   ‘What’s that?’ I asked, emptying the remains of the bottle into our glasses.   ‘Like someone you see consistently at the weekends, but that you don’t have to worry about during the week. I mean, I’m too busy to worry about a boyfriend all the time. I want a boyfriend, but only, like, at the weekend.’   ‘That sounds…amazing!’ I said. We have spent the subsequent year searching for such men.   The summer after I graduated from uni I was floating around jobs trying to figure out what I wanted to do. One of my jobs was in a pub where I met a hilarious aspiring comedian who I’ll call Dollis (for Dollis Hill). Dollis’ most distinct feature is his facial hair as he usually styles it in a ridiculous manner that somehow works and wears clothes that make him look like he’s jumped out of the musical Newsies.   Dollis and I were working one night when some of his friends came in. I’ll call the most distinctive of his friends Basenji (Benji for short) because it’s a hilarious looking dog [...] There's more...