Dear David,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read an comment on my website! I presume that since you had to enter your email address and name that you’re aware that I, as the admin of this website, can see that. And if I were to just publish your comment like normal everyone else could see that as well. I decided to do you one better and write an open letter as my response to your comment, which in my opinion is a bit misguided if I’m being honest.

Let’s get to it, shall we? You said, and I quote:

So you’ve been scammed (?) and are now trying your own – welcome to the millennials new world order. Your whole generation are fuckwits.

Can’t be arsed to vote – see where that got you.

Get in to financial problems – no worries I’ll crowd fund it.

Create a successful Brand and then turn it into a 1D obsessed bore-a-thon.

FFS you had gold in your hand and you chose to trade it in for shit.

Just go back to the roots of your blog and write to your strengths; you’ve been off message for at least two years.

No-one gives a shit about 1D conspiracy theories; we all read you for your bedroom antics and now you want us to crowd fund you because you lost your essential story?

If you desperately need my help then stop writing this vaporist shit and go back to what you’re good at.

First of all…

There are so many things to address here, I suppose I’ll just go point by point.

So you’ve been scammed (?) and are now trying your own – welcome to the millennials new world order. Your whole generation are fuckwits.

I suppose that you’re referring to my post in which I outlined my current situation which was titled “I Desperately Need Your Help – Please Read” and explained that I had trusted someone to help me start a publishing company by investing capital but then they turned out to be a total stalker who had fucked me over. Their scam was trying to get me to meet them and at one point when they pointed out my financial crisis they offered to let me live with them, which is like, “Hi, I’m a red flag!” So I mean, I think it was part scam, part attempted kidnapping, but whatever. Semantics and all.

In regards to me trying to scam people, I have personally spoken to everyone who has helped me and in return added them to the mailing lists for the books that I’m writing and which are released on subscription since that’s really all I can offer in return at this point in addition to my gratitude.

Does that address this point properly? I don’t even know. This is all I could see when I read that sentence:

Can’t be arsed to vote – see where that got you.

Well, David. You seem to know quite a bit about my political activity given that I’ve never publicly voiced my affiliations or how I vote…this was a bit of a “Hmm…maybe you’re the stalker” moment for me, but I’ve got your IP address so if worse comes to worse I’ve sent that to some close friends who know what to do with it should I go missing.

Also, cheers for single-handedly blaming me for the results of an election. I mean there was a swing of what? 1.5 million votes there? But sure. Totally my fault. And yes, look where it got ME. You would assume that me, a millennial would look at this situation and think “WOE IS ME.” The world does actually revolve solely around me, didn’t you know? If anything, David, blame my mum. I’m an only child and she raised me to think that the sun shines out of my arse. Unfortunately she doesn’t have a blog and comments section for you to rant into so you’ll just have to settle for going outside and shouting your anger into the void. Or at a cloud! How apt.

Get in to financial problems – no worries I’ll crowd fund it.

Are you at all aware how bank bailouts work? Just asking…

Screenshot 2016-07-28 14.40.50

Except they don’t really ask the crowds, do they? They just ask the government who then take it upon themselves to act on behalf of the crowd. But, no. No, you’re right, David. As always. Me raising money to support my career and company and life when I’m going through a crisis is the real crime here.

Create a successful Brand and then turn it into a 1D obsessed bore-a-thon.

David, you may not know this, but I’m writing a book called Be A Slut: Do Whatever You Want. I even published a preview yesterday here on this very website, Dave! It’s here: “Be Single: Do Whatever You Want”. One day I woke up and thought, what do I want to do? And damn it, David, I want to be a slut. So that’s what I’m doing. You know what else I want to do? Whatever the fuck I want, and if I want to listen to and talk about One Direction then that’s my prerogative. Please, David, tell me what you’d rather me listen to and talk about. Dire Straits? I’m not fucking SEVENTY, David. (No offence to Dire Straits fans, I actually do quite like Dire Straits. ACTUALLY One Direction wrote a song called “Fireproof” which sounds very heavily influenced by Dire Straits and the Eagles, David. David you should try listening to it, you might like it.)

FFS you had gold in your hand and you chose to trade it in for shit.

You know who else thought I was sitting on a gold mine? A publishing company. Who wanted to take that gold mine and monetise it and make me write something akin to 50 Shades of Oxbridge and lie about sleeping with tutors and doing coke off my Director of Studies’ dick. David, that’s not what I want to write so I gave it a pretty hard pass and ventured into the world of self-publishing. I have been trying for the better part of a year to get things going and was actually doing quite well before my recent setback, so you just don’t know when life’s gonna come atcha, Dave.

Just go back to the roots of your blog and write to your strengths; you’ve been off message for at least two years.

Contrary to popular belief, David, I am not just a pretty face. In fact I’m starting to question how frequently you actually read my blog, if at all, since had you simply kept scrolling or even looked to the right —> just over there you would see that I am actually writing and selling books now. I went through my accounts, David, and did a search for your name and email address because, David, I don’t know if you know this, but everything can be traced with those two things and would you know it? You haven’t even bought my book. No wonder you think I’m just sitting here twiddling my thumbs and talking about One Direction all day. David, if you can’t afford it that’s fine, I have explicitly said repeatedly that I am willing to give the book to anyone who wants it for free, but if people can donate even a pound that would help. David I’m trying to create a new form of consumerism on the whole “pay what you want/can” or trading goods for services like copy editing. Are you good at copy editing? It’s actually a bit of a moot point between us now, David, I don’t really care what you think about me or my writing, so no need to apply.

No-one gives a shit about 1D conspiracy theories; we all read you for your bedroom antics and now you want us to crowd fund you because you lost your essential story?

You know who gives a shit about 1D conspiracy theories? ME. And as I’ve established, on my own website, which I pay to host, this blog is about ME.

“We all read you for your bedroom antics”…well there’s no surprise, that once I talk about something other than sex some dude is going to get all angry about it. I’m a multi-faceted person, David. I have an education, and I have interests that lie outside the realm of my sex life, believe it or not. David I don’t know if you known anything about google analytics or marketing or anything really if I’m honest, ya seem a bit dense, Dave, but anyway, I have a lot of tools at my disposal to see who looks at what and what posts get the most views and guess what! Fans of One Direction also happen to have other interests and are the main supporters of my sex blog and sex book and my other books. Would ya look at that! Women having more than one interest! I know you didn’t think it was possible, David, but we did it! We closed our legs and opened a book!

If you desperately need my help then stop writing this vaporist shit and go back to what you’re good at.

Oh shit! What a BURN! YASSSS DAVE!

I don’t think you plan to help me at all no matter what I do, so I shan’t give in to your petulant demands. Also, I googled it and “vaporist” isn’t a word. If you’re going to insult me at least do it with correct spelling and grammar, David. It’s just common courtesy.

David I’m sorry that people look at you and think

But please don’t take your miserable life out on me. You get what you give, David. You reap what you sow. What goes around comes around and all that. I try to be a nice fucking person, David, and thankfully when I finally asked people for help, they helped me. Then you had to come try and rain on my parade but as One Direction would say, “nobody can drag me down.” It’s a good song, David. You should listen to it.

Maybe you should listen to your friend, Harry Styles…

He’s a cool guy.

Oh! And now that you know I’m actually writing a book, if you want to buy it you can donate whatever you want here: https://www.paypal.me/SexAtOxbridge 

Otherwise

What are you thinking?

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