It may surprise some of you that until yesterday I had never in my life received a dick pic via text message, Facebook message, Twitter message, LinkedIn message, etc… I did once get an accidental risqué photo from a guy friend who was texting me and a girl he was sleeping with simultaneously. It made our conversation about the next game night awkward at first but mostly I just laughed my ass off at him for a few minutes and then we moved on.
Whilst I’ve never received a dick pic directly, I have seen an abundance of them. I can’t think of one friend who has received a dick pic and kept it to themselves, it seems. And I’m not talking just like, “here it is” kind of pictures, one of my friends had a guy who had sent her about a terabyte of homemade porn for her and she showed me as much of it as she could before I was like, “ENOUGH!” It was an excessive amount of dick pics, and I honestly don’t even think that dicks are that great to look at in the first place so I certainly don’t want to go perusing through a camera roll full of them.
I’ll start by saying that the dick pic I got wasn’t entirely unsolicited.
I met a guy a couple of weeks ago at a concert and he asked for my number and then texted me very shortly after. Like I got home and he had already texted me asking if I’d go out for drinks with him the following week. Quite keen then.
So we meet up a couple weeks later for drinks and it was fun, we snogged a bit, and then took separate Ubers to our respective homes. Whilst I was in said Uber he starts texting me and telling me how great and beautiful I am so I’m like
Also sometimes guys say things like, “Did you know that you’re absolutely beautiful?” And I’m like, “Yes. I own a mirror and am aware that I have an objectively attractive face based on its symmetry.” Usually, as in this case, it does not deter said men from blabbering on. I’m like, “Flattery will get you pretty far, but being able to quote my favourite films, which are (in no particular order) Wedding Crashers, Anchorman, Old School, and Taladega Nights will get you MUCH further.”
So this guy and I keep texting and we haven’t been able to go out again since our first date due to our conflicting schedules, but then yesterday we’re texting and he sends me a Wedding Crashers gif. This one to be exact
So naturally I’m like
Then we start speaking almost exclusively in Wedding Crashers quotes and talking about Led Zeppelin and it turns out we have way more in common than a common interest in each other and then he’s like, “Hey…I might have a spare pass to Coachella next weekend, would you want to go?” And I’m like
I’m taking the whole Coachella offer with a grain of salt. I’ll believe that shit when I see it. If he tries to use it as some sort of, “Well it was the thought that counts right?” kind of bullshit I’m out.
But then he’s like, “I’ve got a place to stay right next to the festival grounds next weekend and you can stay with me.” Then the conversation started to get a bit more explicit and I was like
I mean, I would’ve slept with him after our first date and was already assuming that was the logical next step here, but it’s rare that I have someone graphically explain exactly what they’d like to do. I appreciate the honesty and forwardness as I sometimes fail to pick up on what I’m later told were very obvious social cues, so I’m like, “Yeah…sounds good.” And then I send him this gif because I have been binge watching The Office and also I am awkward in these kinds of situations
You would think for a writer that I would be good at expressing things via text, but anyone who’s read this blog will know that I’ve never explicitly written about sex pornographically because I’m pretty
when it comes to that. One time an ex-boyfriend asked me to talk dirty to him and I said, “I like the way I can wrap my hand all the way around your penis,” so he’d never ask me to do it again. It worked like a charm.
However, recently I’ve started doing a lot of things just out of curiosity as to how people will react or how far they’ll go and let’s just say that my attempt at sexting resulted in a dick pic. He took me saying, “I’d like to see that” very literally and next thing I know he’s asking me if I would actually like to see his disco stick so I reply something along the lines of
Then a hot minute later there it was. And whoomp there it is across all of my devices thanks to iCloud, which is why I would NEVER, EVER send anyone any such photograph. It’s bad enough that I have exes out there running around with mental images of me naked after things ended badly, I don’t need them having any hard copies.
So, although I wasn’t like, “LEMME SEE YOUR DICK!” I also didn’t explicitly say, “No please do not show me that.”
It’s pretty big. So much so that I questioned if it was even him for a second. Not that he looks like he couldn’t have a big penis, just that…it was definitely above average. Naturally I said, “I hope you’re not writing cheques that your penis can’t cash,” since keeping up any illusion that I was interested in talking dirty was never going to last for longer than a minute. Apparently the mere mention of the word ‘penis’ was enough to imply my continuing interest, but eventually I steered the conversation back around to Beyoncé. Naturally.
Anyway, I guess I will find out in the next couple days if I get to see my lord and saviour Beyoncé next weekend
But yeah if he tries to be like, “Oh…yeah…that fell through but maybe we can like hang out Thursday?” Imma be like
Not because people have to bribe me for me to go out with them, but because if someone thinks that faux-bribing me with Beyoncé is the way forward they’re idiots. I’d rather stay at home rewatching her Coachella performance instead of dealing with Jedi mind tricks.
Updates to come!