Gone Boy

‘Do anything interesting lately?’ I asked Lad Boy as I watched him pour us two glasses of wine.

‘I saw Gone Girl with the girlfriend. Ho-ly shit.’

‘Oh my GOD! I KNOW!’ I said, excitedly. ‘I saw it the day it came out. Je-sus CHRIST.’

‘So insane,’ he said, bringing me over a glass of wine.

‘I think I’ve dated people like her,’ I said.

‘Killers?’

‘Well, there was the Marine. Pretty sure he’s killed some people.’

‘Oh yeah.’

‘I don’t think he was a sociopath though. Then again, maybe he was. I don’t know. That’s the creepy thing – how do you know?? I mean look at Gone Girl.’

‘Seriously, I’m terrified of women now.’

‘I’m terrified of people. I read that like 10% of the population are sociopaths.’

‘Where?’

‘Don’t remember,’ I said, spinning my wine glass.

‘You clearly just made that statistic up.’

‘Only 37% of statistics are made up on the spot.’

‘Can’t argue with the facts.’

‘I thought I might be a bit of a sociopath so I took a test online to find out.’

‘Surely that’s the first sign that you’re probably a sociopath,’ Lad Boy said, getting up to grab the bottle of wine.

‘I think I’m too empathetic to be a sociopath. But I think I also have very liberal morals.’

‘To put it mildly,’ Lad Boy said, topping up our glasses.

‘I feel like if I knew I could get away with a crime, like robbing a bank, I definitely would. And I wouldn’t even feel a little bit bad about it.’

‘Oh, yeah, totally. I mean, at least once a year I think about the fact that I could probably kill someone and definitely get away with it.’

‘Whoa whoa whoa!’ I said, almost spitting out my wine. ‘I said I’d rob a bank, and you’re saying that you think of murder on an annual basis?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Alright Gone Boy, calm down.’

‘I mean like killing a terrible person.’

‘I think I could probably kill someone actually,’ I said, thinking about it more.

‘What did you say you got on that test?’ Lad Boy asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

‘I didn’t,’ I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

‘Cryptic.’

‘Nah, I got like, “you could be a sociopath but you probably aren’t,” which is better than, “nothing will ever warm your cold, black heart” to be fair.’

‘True.’

‘And I definitely didn’t fall on the “you could murder someone and be cool about it” side of the scale, you psycho.’

Lad Boy nodded and shrugged, ‘This is also true.’

‘Do you think your girlfriend could ever go all Amy Dunne sociopath on you?’

‘Definitely. If I cheated on her I think she would actually murder me.’

‘I can see that. You probably shouldn’t piss her off.’

‘Tell me about it.’

‘You should probably just put a ring on it.’

‘I will, but in two years. My life is depressingly logical at the moment.’

‘I don’t know, I think there’s something comforting about having a plan. I mean, I like to fly by the seat of my pants but it can be a bit unsettling at times living in constant uncertainty.’

‘Are you constantly uncertain?’

‘About some things.’

‘Like what?’ he asked, emptying the rest of the bottle of wine into our glasses.

‘Dunno, I think I just get bored easily and am always looking for the next thing to do.’

‘Or the next person to do,’ he said, laughing at his own joke.

‘This is true as well. I do think my last boyfriend was a legitimate sociopath. This is the problem when you date random guys you meet in London. I think I’ll probably just end up with someone I’m friends with now. Make sure I know everything about them before I waste any time trying to date them.’

‘Decent strategy. What about Kash?’

‘He lives too far away. I don’t want to do distance. And I’m still not sure that he’s not a sociopath.’

‘Well he did kill a hooker on our lad’s holiday to Mexico that one time.’

‘I still can’t believe you didn’t invite me to that.’

‘You need to get over that. And, not that you seem to care, but I was kidding about the prostitute. He just slept with one, he didn’t kill one.’

‘Ha. Ha. None of you slept with a prostitute. You made me go ask how much it cost when we were in Amsterdam, you wouldn’t even be able to speak to one without me.’

He started laughing. ‘I totally forgot about that!’

‘We should do another Amsterdam trip to see Kash.’

‘You want to back to the Red Light district?’

‘Do you think they’d sleep with me? Like, do lesbians ever go to the Red Light district? Or, like, what if I wanted to sleep with one of the Blue Light ones. Would they sleep with women?’

‘I don’t think women are allowed.’

‘That’s so sexist.’

‘You should definitely lobby for the right to sleep with prostitutes.’

‘I should,’ I said, drinking the last of my wine.

‘More wine?’

I pretended to think about it before saying, ‘Yeah, go on then.’

‘It was a rhetorical question,’ he said, already at the fridge.

‘Did I tell you about the guy from X-Factor that I hooked up with?’

‘Was it Harry Styles?’

‘I wish. But he knows Harry Styles, so I’m getting close.’

‘Isn’t Harry Styles like seventeen?’

‘He’s twenty.’

‘You know far too much about this guy.’

‘You have no idea.’

‘So is your new boyfriend going to introduce you to Harry Styles?’

‘Not if he knows what’s good for him.’

‘Fair point.’

‘I’ll just keep hanging out at Shoreditch House in the hopes of running into him.’

‘And how exactly would that conversation go.’

‘Probably something along the lines of, “do me, Harry Styles.”‘

‘Simple and to the point.’

‘Failing that I’ll just bang this other guy from X-Factor.’

‘Beggars can’t be choosers. Haven’t you slept with him already?’

‘Nah. Just made out and watched X-Factor together.’

‘He watches X-Factor?’

‘Yeah, I was like, get over it. It’s like How I Met Your Mother, it’s over.’

‘Man I wonder what it would be like to be on that show.’

‘You should audition, you have a good voice.’

‘And I’m really attractive,’ he said, completely seriously.

‘Not to mention modest. All key elements to being on that show.’

‘Think I could win X-Factor?’

‘One Direction couldn’t even win X-Factor. You’re probably more likely to get away with murder.’

‘Morbid.’

‘But true.’

‘Well, cheers,’ he said, holding his wine glass up. ‘It has been enlightening to see you.’

I smiled and clinked my glass to his.

 

2 Responses to “Gone Boy”

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  1. omamer says:

    ‘This is true as well. I do think my last boyfriend was a legitimate sociopath. This is the problem when you date random guys you meet in London. I think I’ll probably just end up with someone I’m friends with now. Make sure I know everything about them before I waste any time trying to date them.’

  2. Elliot says:

    This needs a Gone Girl disclaimer at the start. Just saying!

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