Do. As. I. Say.

‘Yo bra.’ I answered my phone when I saw Lad Boy’s name on the screen. He had inflicted a marathon of movies about surfing on me the last time we hung out, so I had taken to greeting him as such. It is apparently short for, “Hello, brother.” ‘Dinner at mine tomorrow night.’ Lad Boy replied. I paused for a moment. ‘I told you about it last weekend.’ ‘Right.’ I said slowly. ‘Seven o’clock.’ ‘Oh-kay.’ ‘Did I wake you up? Why are you talking so slowly.’ ‘No reason.’ ‘How was dinner?’ ‘Tonight?’ ‘No, you muppet – the other night with your ex-boyfriend.’ ‘Yeah, it was alright.’ ‘Just alright?’ ‘We had an adult sleepover.’ He laughed. ‘Typical.’ ‘Don’t judge me. I’m only sleeping with people I’ve already slept with, so that’s quite limiting.’ ‘Oh, so you can only sleep with half of England?’ ‘I hate you.’ ‘See you tomorrow night, love you, bwuhbwiiiiiiie!’ He said in a high pitched tone. ‘Bye.’ I groaned. I didn’t want to admit that he had woken me up. It was eleven in the morning, and he had undoubtedly been at his internship since eight. I usually got the one o’clock lunch break call. I turned [...] There's more...

Reunited And It Feels So … Meh.

On the train now, should be there in 15 xx I stared at the text. I hadn’t decided whether or not I was excited about seeing The Boy. I hadn’t seen him in almost a year and that had been when he had apologised for the whole dumping me a week after I lost my virginity to him thing. We had subsequently slept with each other again, and it would undoubtedly happen this evening as well. Putting shoes on, I left the house and headed for the station. As soon as I was outside it was raining and I pulled out my umbrella, which was always stashed somewhere at the bottom of any bag I carried around. English weather was about as reliable as English boys. And girls for that matter. As a country, we’re terribly fickle I feel. Or at least I am. If there was anyone as indecisive as me it was The Boy, so planning the evening together would nothing if interesting. I walked slowly, deliberately stepping in each puddle. I’m not sure why. Habit, I suppose. I’m usually wearing my Hunters when it rains and generally take great pleasure in tromping through water. My shoes were [...] There's more...

Summer Daze

A day in the life of my summer at the moment goes something like this: 7:25 Wake up unnaturally early because I can’t shake exam schedule body clock time, two months after the fact. I have purposely left my curtains open to avoid sleeping until midday and I immediately regret this. 7:28 I kick the covers off in frustration at being awake and roll towards the edge of the bed. Misjudge distance and fall onto floor. 7:30 Still in pain. 7:31 Walk to the toilet and am surprised at how good my hair looks. It’s messy chic. I wonder if it will last all day, turn to the side and notice massive bit sticking up in the back, turn on shower to start over with hair experimentation. 7:32 Shower time is thinking time. I contemplate what to do with my life. Think about boys, contemplate which shampoo to use, accidentally put shampoo on my face instead of face wash, rinse and repeat. 7:36 In my room, dancing to iTunes in my towel. My face feels amazingly soft and I wonder if I should use shampoo for face wash every day. 7:39 Still in my towel I put the kettle on [...] There's more...

An Island Never Cries

I am, to a fault, one of the most emotionally volatile people I know. My uncle says that it’s a characteristic of all women on my mum’s side of the family. I say it’s a characteristic of all women who have ever had to deal with men. I go crazy sometimes, but at the root of the mentalness there is undoubtedly a Y chromosome involved. The line between relative sanity and borderline schizophrenia seems so thin that trusting the most untrustworthy of species – being boys – with the leverage to just tip you over the edge seems absolutely ridiculous. In general, I choose to focus my energy on my own personal success, bar the occasional time when I am tricked into falling in love. As documented, this never goes well. The closest and most stable relationship I have with a male is with my dog, and he only loves me because I bribe him with food. Unsurprisingly, the food trick works for awhile with most boys as well. However, dogs, blogs, degrees and careers seem safe, as it’s doubtful they’ll ever turn to me one day and tell me that they’re just not that into me. This isn’t to [...] There's more...

Summer Mischief

‘Ow! This isn’t working.’ I said. ‘You’re just doing it wrong! Try again.’ Lad Boy insisted. ‘No, you do it.’ ‘Come on, you’ve almost got it off.’ ‘Ugh. I’m going to break something.’ ‘Man up.’ He demanded. I tightened my grip on the beer bottle I was holding and wedged the lighter I had in the other hand between my thumb and the cap, prying it upward. The lighter chipped and the cap flew off. ‘Yes!’ ‘Only took you five minutes.’ He scoffed. ‘I asked you to do it!’ ‘You need to learn.’ ‘Whatever.’ I said, taking a victory sip. ‘Am I going to know anyone at this party?’ ‘Probably not. He said, effortlessly popping the top off another bottle and taking a sip. ‘I think you met some of them when we were in London last.’ ‘Hm.’ I said, sipping my beer. ‘Who was the one that was hitting on me?’ ‘That would be all of them.’ ‘Which one really liked me though?’ ‘That would be one of them.’ He paused. ‘Just kidding. Again, pretty much all of them.’ ‘I was one of about three girls – on numbers alone there was no way at least some of them [...] There's more...