The hardest part about breaking up with Dale is losing hope that I could have it all. I now realise that the concept of a perfect balance between success in my academic or professional life and my personal life cannot go hand in hand.
But I have a boyfriend or girlfriend and I’m at Oxbridge, you may say. At what sacrifice? There’s always at least one if the relationship is on compromising terms. There’s too many things I give up when in a relationship to make the rest of my life fulfilling, and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m a better person (and certainly a more interesting writer) when I’m single.
On the one hand it makes me cry to think that I have to be alone and void of the kind of love that would make you do anything, but on the other I feel free of that binding mentalness that goes along with being in love. Being alone and single is great. Being in love is great. There are arguments for both, but unfortunately I have to choose one and I will choose myself first for the foreseeable future.
Sifting through revision notes this evening I burst into tears at the thought that there was no way I could handle everything for a particular paper which I have unfortunately neglected this year. I went through my notes and came up with a blank as to why there was a severe lack of information for a particular period of time in the past term, until I realised that I am missing lecture notes from when I was with Dale. There was more than one occasion when I chose staying in bed over going to lectures, and in hindsight I don’t necessarily regret that, but it would have been beneficial to have first-hand information from those lectures. Luckily I have sympathetic coursemates who have provided me with the necessary notes.
With that said, my study break is over and I am going back to not feeling sorry for myself and just getting on with it.
I have so many stories to tell but no time to type them out at the moment. They involve:
-Formal Hall with Trinity, Poppy, Foster and Dr. Boy
-Family gathering with Lad Boy in London
-Making peace with Dale (kind of – more of making things easier for our friends to be around both of us since no one is going to choose either of us over the other)
-Pseudo-date with Bear and me making friends with his girlfriend just so she doesn’t think I’m trying to steal her boyfriend. Which I’m not.
-Other things of interest.