Reasons I’ve Broken Up with People: No. 4

4. He sang a terrible song directly to my face. My mum once told me, “Never date musicians or bartenders.” My mother has dated (and married) almost exclusively musicians and bartenders. So, not heeding her advice I recently went out with a musician-SLASH-bartender. Am I just trying to piss off my mum? We may never know. I did meet him at my step father’s birthday party, so probably. This man was very attractive. Very charming. And so I told him as much and declared that we should go out together sometime. Luckily he agreed, took my number, and texted me the next morning, much to my sober confusion. Then I was like, “Ah…fuck…who is this again?” Then I vaguely remembered and was like, “Sure, y-literally-olo.” So I go out with Johnny No-Name and he had texted me to be like, Hey I’m playing music tonight, want to come watch?  I was like, “Ya sure.” Even though I immediately felt like this was a terrible idea. And a terrible idea it was. What this guy meant by “Come watch me play music” was actually “hey come to this random recording studio in the middle of nowhere and watch me jam these bullshit songs whilst [...] There's more...

Reasons I’ve Broken Up with People: No. 3

3. He took me to a really fancy Chinese place for Valentines Day and hadn’t even asked me if I like Chinese food. (I do not.) To be fair to this guy, who we’ll call Matt just for the sake of it, he met me at a terrible time. I had just been dumped by my first boyfriend and the first guy that I had ever slept with. One night I was out with some of my mates and I saw Matt and thought he was cute, so I started talking to him. He was probably one of the only guys ever not intimidated by the fact that I was always surrounded by other guys. I was on my college’s men’s rowing team at the time and even brought Matt to a boat club party where I was one of about four girls amongst forty men and he managed to charm everyone on the rowing team. At the time there weren’t a whole lot of people who knew the full story about my ex, some people didn’t even know that I had an ex, as we’d tried to keep our relationship a secret since he was on said rowing team. And was at said [...] There's more...

Three Days of Christmas: Day One

Happy Christmas!  I’m not doing twelve days of Christmas because I only thought of this just now. These posts are going to get progressively better with a very exciting announcement on Christmas Day, but today I wanted to tell everyone something that almost no one knows about me. I spent Christmas of 2015 by myself. 2016 has certainly been an…interesting year…to say the least. However, my problems right now are on more of a global scale. They’re things I’m worried about and that could directly affect me, but I am so very fortunate that personally at this very moment I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been in my adult life. This wasn’t the case one year ago. On the 23rd of December 2015 a combination of circumstances and bad choices culminated in me hopping on a last minute flight to London from where I was on holiday, where I was thankfully  able to stay at a friend’s flat who was visiting her family abroad. I woke up on the 24th of December without a plan, a job, or a flat of my own. For reasons not worth rehashing, I wasn’t on the best of terms with my immediate family and even if [...] There's more...

I Said What What In the Butt

I started writing this a couple weeks ago and halfway through was like, “Ehhh…” so I did what I always do when it comes to important life decisions, such as where I should go on holiday, or what the cover of my books should look like, and I asked Twitter. Since a resounding majority of people who replied to this poll in the hour it was up appear to indeed care about this topic, here you go. The spectrum of human experience is quite broad and I’m convinced that pretty much no one knows what the fuck they’re doing half the time and that we’re all more or less just winging it together. However. There is one marmite-like issue that I’ve found most people to be stringently sure of, and that is bum stuff. A lot of guys – and I mean a lot - are like at the mere mention of the word “prostate”. I don’t know why. Look at the Stifler-guy getting a prostate massage: Look how happy he is! He looks like he’s having the time of his goddamn life. The first time I ever heard about anal pleasure for men (aside from a vague awareness that it was [...] There's more...

Ignore Men: Do Whatever You Want

In case you didn’t hear, some bitch ass friend-zoned guy wrote an article where he whinged about how mean girls are and how you can bully them into talking to you. No, seriously. This wasn’t an Onion article, it was an actual thing that someone who had probably been reading way too much Neil Strauss thought up.   I was going to completely ignore the hype and outrage over this article because I took one look at it and, similar to everyone else, was like Then I thought about all the dumb shit men have done to try and get my attention over the years. Last Saturday alone I had three completely absurd and unprovoked instances and I’m going to tell you about all of them because, while this is just a snapshot into six hours of my life, it is fairly representative of what I deal with on a consistent basis. I’m also going to set out some rules for all you fellas out there who might be wondering what is and is not appropriate when trying to talk to a stranger. The first incident was whilst I was standing at a bar waiting to be served, which, you know, is not that [...] There's more...

Dear David,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read an comment on my website! I presume that since you had to enter your email address and name that you’re aware that I, as the admin of this website, can see that. And if I were to just publish your comment like normal everyone else could see that as well. I decided to do you one better and write an open letter as my response to your comment, which in my opinion is a bit misguided if I’m being honest. Let’s get to it, shall we? You said, and I quote: So you’ve been scammed (?) and are now trying your own – welcome to the millennials new world order. Your whole generation are fuckwits. Can’t be arsed to vote – see where that got you. Get in to financial problems – no worries I’ll crowd fund it. Create a successful Brand and then turn it into a 1D obsessed bore-a-thon. FFS you had gold in your hand and you chose to trade it in for shit. Just go back to the roots of your blog and write to your strengths; you’ve been off message for at least two years. No-one gives [...] There's more...

The Universe Is Trying to Humble This Hoe

Good morning everybody! So last week I wrote this: I Desperately Need Your Help – Please Read and the amount of support I have received in less than a week has been incredible. I really cannot thank everyone enough for reaching out to talk to me and for everyone who has donated. It has honestly helped more than I can ever express for my mental health and for the situation I’ve found myself in, which has gone from like a ten to a four in terms of Crisis Lockdown Mode. I still have quite a lot of work to do, but everyone’s help has given me the opportunity to get my life back on track far quicker than if I had just tried to go at it alone, so thank you. I wanted to share another story with you, which while extremely unfortunate, is also a much funnier example of how the universe has been trying to humble this hoe. I don’t know why I’m being tested like this, but needless to say never think, “Well it can’t get any worse than this,” because inevitably it will and then you’ll be like me, aka My crisis really began on the 1st of July [...] There's more...

I Desperately Need Your Help – Please Read

I am not sure why, but my entire life has consisted of multiple abusive relationships that I’ve crawled my way out of, separated by periods of peace. The cyclical nature of these relationships never cease to catch me off guard, but unfortunately I have found myself in the crawling period phase right now after thinking that I would never be in this kind of situation ever again. The fact that the sporadic abuse by few individuals has not resulted in me not trusting any individuals is how this continues to happen, and while I feel stupid for being trapped again, I cannot bring myself to judge everyone for the actions of such a minority of people in my life. The first instance of abuse in my life is not one I wish to discuss publicly. The second was when my boss physically abused me in the workplace by hitting me in front of the entire office, and while I won a case against him that was drawn out over three years, he immediately fled the country upon learning that he was required to pay me £120,000 for wages lost and emotional damages. I haven’t seen a pence of it, but at least [...] There's more...

People I Would Sleep With

To name a few … Originally posted on Feb. 6, 2014, at 10:14 p.m. Prince Harry Obvs. The guy at my local cafe Thank you for waking me up every morning, sexual. In a non-sexual way. Nicholas Hoult Sexy. As. I’ve wanted to hop on the right foot and do the wrong thing with him since Skins. Benedict Cumberbatch Weird sexy. Ollie Locke Out of pure curiosity. Though I’m not sure that I’m his type. Greg James He can come into me like a wrecking ball. What? His sexy voice gets me through the last hours of work, plus he’s funny and awkward which always goes over well with me. Especially his singing, which ranges from shrill to brilliant (the “knocking one out” tune to “Mulled Wines”). Extremely intelligent guys. You shut your mouth. Ian Somerhalder Do me Damon Salvatore Jonny Wilkinson The real reason I watch rugby. And look! He plays guitar! Captain Jack Sparrow My favourite pirate. Ted Sexy bear. I mean, if I lived in a Seth MacFarlane universe. Ron Burgundy Look, there’s a rainbow! Do me on it! Jennifer Lawerence Yeah I would. Jack Whitehall And pretty much any hilarious guy who is remotely attractive. And [...] There's more...

Sex at Oxbridge: First Year – THE BOOK

During my third year at university I was approached by one of the biggest publishers in the UK to write a book based on Sex At Oxbridge. As you may have noticed that book is not available to the public because it was never published. After many meetings the official word from the non-fiction department was this: While the editors absolutely loved your sample chapter, many of them felt that, in order for it to be a non-fiction book and to thrive in the market we publish into, it would need to be high on scandal and tales of debauchery/drugs/affairs with the don etc. I feel that this isn’t really what you’re about, and you shouldn’t have to compromise in that area as the fact that your writing isn’t salacious and gratuitous, but is honest and witty, is part of its ample charm, and is the reason why people keep coming back to read your blog. They also thought that you sounded like just the sort of person they’d love to go for a drink with, a desire not usually expressed towards the more ‘graphic’ female writers… Over the past couple of years I have considered what it would take to make my writing [...] There's more...