Good morning! I started a thread on Twitter about reasons I’ve broken up with people and reasons people have broken up with me and it’s been pretty popular so I thought I’d expand on it in a format that allows for more than 140 characters of explanation. So without further adieu, here is an exhaustive list of reasons I’ve broken up with people. Most are different guys but a couple of them will be the same guy because I’ve dated some pretty big arseholes in my day, but they do say that water seeks its own level which is why I will also provide you with the other side of the stories and the reasons that people have broken up with me.
1. He would answer his phone by just stating his entire name
As the phone would ring I would always sit there silently being like, “Hoe don’t do it…” and then he’d answer.
“Trent McNally.” (Not his real name but it might as well have been something like that.)
And then I’d be like, “Oh my God…”
‘Why do you always answer with your full name? You know it’s me.’
‘Actually my caller id is broken,’ he tried to explain. And that was really the beginning of the end. This man worked in a job that was fancy enough to support his aggressive coke habit and there was no way he was walking around with a broken Blackberry. I just started to think, “If he’s lying about something THIS stupid, what else is he lying about?”
As time went on I started to mess with him because I couldn’t get over his phone greeting. When he answered with his full name I started replying with my full name. It kind of startled him at first.
‘Wh-what?’ he asked after I stated my name like I was calling my bank.
‘Oh I thought that was the game we were playing,’ I answered, which just confused him. He was absolutely gorgeous, but painfully dull and thick. He’s on this list a couple of times, so I’ll leave some more of the details for later.
One morning I woke up and his phone was ringing on the bedside table, which I happened to be closest to. I sat up and leaned over to look at it, and motherfucker that phone said “Dad calling”…and I was like, “I KNEW IT!”
‘Your dad is ringing,’ I said, nudging him into consciousness.
He groggily took the phone and spoke to his dad, and then once he hung up I said, ‘So you got your caller id fixed?’
‘Hm?’ he asked half asleep.
‘You said your caller id was broken,’ I said, hovering over him trying to will him not to fall back asleep with my overbearing presence.
‘What?’ he asked, opening one eye. ‘No I didn’t.’
‘Yes you did, you said it’s why you answer the phone with your full name.’
‘Oh,’ he said, closing his eye and resting his head back. ‘I don’t know why I said that.’
Determined to get to the bottom of this liar liar pants on fire’s story, I climbed on top of him, straddling him and resting my palms flat against his chest. ‘Why would you tell a stupid lie like that instead of just telling me the truth?’
He took a deep breath through his nose, aware that I was not going to be ignored, and lazily rested his hands on my hips, slowly squeezing my bum as he thought about it. It’s a nice bum and I’m not above using it whilst I interrogate my boyfriends. It’s kind of like one of those relaxation balls that you squeeze when you’re stressed. I wasn’t trying to stress him out, I just needed to know what was going on in that blonde head of his.
‘I don’t know,’ he finally said. ‘I guess I don’t know why I answer the phone that way. I just like to.’
‘See?’ I said, leaning down to peck him on the lips once, ‘Was that so hard?’ I dismounted and collected my things from around the room, heading to the bathroom to change.
When I came back he was texting someone on his phone and looked up. ‘Hey want to go get brunch?’
Sociopathic lying tendencies aside, it was probably more the fact that when he asked me this question the thought of sitting and talking to him for an hour or so held no appeal since we really didn’t have much in common and had exhausted the one topic of conversation we could at first talk about for ages: rugby. There was no tournament or game on so I knew we couldn’t just sit there talking about rugby all morning. I mean, I love the sport but there’s only so much to be said on the matter. The fact that I would rather be alone than with him suddenly struck me and I was well aware that regardless of his random little lies, it really wasn’t nice of me to stay with someone I didn’t particularly like or care about outside of the bedroom.
So I made up a lie about having plans with someone else, left, and was determined to never see him again.
I definitely saw him many more times, which is why I needed the four more reasons I broke up with him, but those are later in the list.