Reasons I’ve Broken Up with People: No. 4

4. He sang a terrible song directly to my face.

My mum once told me, “Never date musicians or bartenders.” My mother has dated (and married) almost exclusively musicians and bartenders.

So, not heeding her advice I recently went out with a musician-SLASH-bartender. Am I just trying to piss off my mum? We may never know. I did meet him at my step father’s birthday party, so probably.

This man was very attractive. Very charming. And so I told him as much and declared that we should go out together sometime. Luckily he agreed, took my number, and texted me the next morning, much to my sober confusion. Then I was like, “Ah…fuck…who is this again?” Then I vaguely remembered and was like, “Sure, y-literally-olo.”

So I go out with Johnny No-Name and he had texted me to be like, Hey I’m playing music tonight, want to come watch? 

I was like, “Ya sure.” Even though I immediately felt like this was a terrible idea.

And a terrible idea it was.

What this guy meant by “Come watch me play music” was actually “hey come to this random recording studio in the middle of nowhere and watch me jam these bullshit songs whilst my drummer hits on you and tries to teach you how to play drums.” All of those things happened.

Worse than his bandmate trying to make me learn how to play the drums after casually mentioning that I had always wanted to do so, was when I was left alone with the guy who asked me out. Alone. With him and his guitar.

There’s no way to describe the stress that rises inside of me when someone begins to strum on a guitar whilst staring me in the eyes. It feels a bit like

And then he began to sing. And it was SO MUCH WORSE than I had imagined.

I wanna get this right, but I blocked a lot of it out…the song went something like…

(In the key of G)

Driving up the 101

Don’t know how long it’ll take

I’m driving and I’m tired…

And I want to just make it home 

At this point I’m like, “Okay none of this rhymes…and it’s all been the same chord over and over thus far.” BUT IT GOT WORSE. I’m sorry I don’t remember how worse it got because I just tried to think about not listening to it.

I just remember thinking, “What can I do to make this stop?” I was too grossed out to kiss him to make it stop and too embarrassed to just say, “Stahhhhp,” so I did nothing. I just sat there and endured it.

Then I had to watch his band “jam” as it were for like an hour more and after that I fucking booked it.

And I never saw him again.

Honestly, I don’t care who you are. Never. EVER. Sing to someone’s face without their permission.

What are you thinking?