Reasons Why I’ve Broken Up with Someone: No. 5

5. His penis was too small

The small penis I could have overlooked (ha jk). His lack of enthusiasm, however, I could not.

Saying that I “broke up” with this person is just a euphemism for the fact that I didn’t bother to even get his number after sleeping with him because the sex was that unremarkable.

This guy, let’s call him Tom, was studying English at uni and amongst a faculty full of mostly women, he stood out as tall and quite handsome. I can’t remember how we met, but he was extremely sure of himself and I like confidence in a guy so after a couple hours of chatting I was like, “Right. Back to mine.” I did make him wait in my kitchen for about ten minutes whilst I shoved all my belongings into the wardrobe in an attempt to tidy up.

When he came into my room he said, “I thought you were cleaning…” and I was like dis bitch…

The enthusiastic flirting from earlier didn’t really translate well into the bedroom and he seemed a bit bored to be honest. And then he took his pants of and I thought, Well…maybe there’s more to come, but then he started putting a condom on and I was like, Uh is that going to stay on?? because it was like

The sex itself can really only be compared to this

And at this point I’m just more curious as to what is happening than anything else. I was past the illusion that I would in any way enjoy this so I just observed him like an enthusiastic anthropologist, trying my pest to put in some effort so that the bad sex could in no way be blamed on myself.

I really don’t think that he was enjoying himself, and I think he might have even faked it when he came because all of a sudden it came to a very anticlimactic end. We were lying there awkwardly in my single bed and he actually said, “Want to do it again?’

And no word of a lie, this just came out of my mouth, “Do you?!” because I could’ve sworn he would’ve rather been waterboarded than have sex.

Needless to say, there was no round two. Not then and not ever.

What are you thinking?