Reasons Why I’ve Broken Up with Someone: No. 6

6. His penis was way too big.

This is one of the saddest stories ever.

This man was an actual rocket. Scientist. When people say it isn’t “rocket science”…well everything was fucking rocket science (technically astrophysics) to him.

Let’s call him Charles. Charles was THE NICEST GUY of all time. So nice. So shy. And just the sweetest. The first time we hung out we watched one of my favourite films, Old School, and I fell asleep halfway through and then when I woke up he was holding my hand. Okay that was kind of weird, but also kind of endearing.

Charles was not a large man. He was quite slight as it were. As you’d expect an actual rocket scientist to look, really. So, it was to my immense surprise that when we finally hooked up that his penis was the size of my forearm. NO WORD OF A LIE. I’ve never looked at a penis and immediately been like, “No. Fucking. WAY.” I liked him so I gave him a handjob, but even then I was like, “HOW?! HOW IS IT SO BIG?”

That was not the first time I tried to sleep with Charles. Eventually I was like, “Okay. You’re a grown ass woman. You can do this.” Then we got into bed and I could not. I tried, guys. Okay, I didn’t try. I looked, and had to regretfully decline. Three times. (The third time was exactly like the first two, this poor guy.)

And that…is my biggest regret in life.

What are you thinking?

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