The Piña Colada Song

I went to see Guardians of the Galaxy about five times last week because I have a Cineworld Unlimited pass, an obsessive personality, and no life. I laughed, I cried, I was reminded why Stan Lee is my absolute hero, and I remembered how much I love pop songs from the 70s and 80s.

In between my trips to Cineworld I downloaded a Guardians of the Galaxy playlist on Spotify and have been listening to it on repeat for about a week now. One song in particular on the playlist that I’ve always been familiar with and harboured a somewhat fondness for is, “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes. It was only when, whilst riding the tube with nothing to do but listen to music, that I realised that I have never actually paid any attention to the lyrics past the point of “If you like making love at midnight,” after which I default to sounds like “doo-da” or “la-la”. However, having now listened to the song every day for the last week I’m shocked that I’ve never really paid attention to this sordid tale of infidelity and domestic duress. I mean, I was never under the impression that it was any kind of profound message given that it’s called the bloody Piña Colada song, but read this song as a story:

I was tired of my lady, we’d been together too long
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song

A bit harsh. How did I never notice the cruel undertones in the first line of this song? Everyone’s usually too distracted by it’s Disney theme song-like intro. You feel like you’re on a beach, when really it’s about some saddo in bed next to some woman he’s sick of.

So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read

Infidelity isn’t a shock at this point, but still a totally creepy way to start a song. “Sick of my girlfriend, so I went on the 80s version of Tinder,” is basically what this is.

“If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
I’m the love that you’ve looked for, write to me, and escape”

Swipe left! She sounds like a total nutter.

I didn’t think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine

She’s literally sleeping right next to you. Some consideration must have gone into this attempt at cheating. And it’s not “kind of mean”, it’s really fucking mean, you dick.

So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad
And though I’m nobody’s poet, I thought it wasn’t half-bad

How long would this realistically take without the internet? I’m guessing a week between writing to the paper, having someone read your shit reply, process your payment for the ad, which you probably paid via cheque, waiting for the cheque to clear, publishing the ad. Ugh, cheating in the 80s sounds exhausting.

“Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
I’m not much into health food, I am into champagne
I’ve got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape
At a bar called O’Malley’s, where we’ll plan our escape”

Tomorrow? How could you possibly know when tomorrow would be given all the factors required to publish a personal ad in a newspaper listed above? I don’t like when suspension of disbelief is a requirement for enjoying a song. Also, what red tape? Is this an 80s reference that I’m missing?

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face

Wait, where is this going?

It was my own lovely lady, and she said, “Oh, it’s you”

What?! In the song he laughs as he says, “Oh, it’s you.” I can’t imagine that the tone of this statement would be lighthearted. I think it would be like, “Ohhh NO. It’s you.” Or, “Oh…It’s YOU!” as she flung herself across the table to strangle him. What? I can’t be the only person whose natural response to infidelity is fury and violence.

And we laughed for a moment, and I said, “I never knew”

Ohh. Yeah, because THAT’S a natural reaction to realising that your significant other has been soliciting anonymous encounters through a personals ad in a newspaper!

“That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
You’re the lady that I’ve looked for, come with me, and escape”

How long have these people been together? Is this an ironic depiction of Patrick Bateman’s dating life? Because the guy sounds like a total psycho.

Then he just repeats her ad back to her, because he obviously lacks any original dialogue in his own head.

“If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
You’re the lady that I’ve looked for, come with me, and escape”

I guess they kind of deserve each other.

I mean, I always knew that the song was a bit shit, but further analysis has proven it to be downright creepy. This should be the theme song to a domestic abuse advert, as they are clearly emotionally manipulating each other. It’s just unhealthy.

Also, Rupert Holmes looks like a right perv:

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I would run if this showed up on a blind date. No wonder his girlfriend was placing ads in the newspaper to escape.

Short story long:

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