In case you missed that really obvious section of this website that has recent posts over there on the right, here’s a link to Part II in this series: The Winter Boyfriend Part II
Quick recap: films were discussed and then Tex kissed me.
It. Was. BAD.
Just playing, do you think this series would be called The Winter Boyfriend if he were a terrible kisser? No. Because terrible kissers are almost always terrible in bed as well. I can only think of one exception to a bad kisser being good in bed, but I don’t even remember who it was since the kissing was too unbearable to put up with in order to get to the good parts.
The kiss was more like this:
If I were James Franco. Because I’m awesome at kissing, and it was how I imagine kissing me is like.
As soon as Tex pulled away he mumbled, ‘Sorry…I’ve wanted to do that since I first saw you.’
‘Really? Since the moment you saw me?’
‘Yup,’ he said, a bit louder.
‘What if I had a really terrible voice. Like, what if I sounded like a man?’
‘I’d probably forgive that.’
‘Oh would you?’ I asked, lowering my voice to a grumbling scratchy voice.
‘Kind of hot.’
‘No it isn’t,’ I said, laughing.
‘You’re right, it isn’t. It’s actually very unattractive.’
‘Kiss me, baby,’ I grumbled in the voice again and before I could stop laughing he had pressed his lips back to mine. After a moment I growled, ‘Mmm, yeah. I like it like that,’ in my terribly un-sexy voice and he laughed into my mouth without moving his face any further from mine.
Tex inhaled deeply and blew a raspberry onto my face. ‘That’s how English people kiss, right?’ he asked, his voice booming into my face.
‘Actually we call it snogging, and it’s more like this,’ I said, opening my mouth really wide and pressing it to his.
He mirrored what I was doing before saying, ‘Hot,’ and kissing me again properly. ‘In Texas we kiss like this,’ he stuck his tongue out and pressed it against my mouth. I did the same, laughing loudly as we stood there with our tongues pressed together. He put his tongue back in his mouth and put his hands behind my neck as he pulled me in for a kiss. As his lips pressed mine I blew air straight into his mouth causing us both to laugh more.
I find this to be a very good test when trying to assess potential partners. Make a big ol damn fool of yourself and see how they respond. If they don’t look at you like you’ve sprouted a second head, that’s a good sign. If they meet and then exceed your weirdness, that’s an excellent sign.
We kissed like normal people for a bit longer before he graciously offered me some of his American piss water that he referred to as Budweiser. I couldn’t be bothered to leave him long enough to go and source a more acceptable form of alcohol, so I took the drink and we talked about films and kissed more and laughed so hard that I spit my beer out and Tex cried that his cheeks hurt.
‘So you live in London?’
I nodded, swallowing the beer in my mouth. ‘Yep. But I’ll probably be staying down here for the holidays, my parents don’t live far away.’
‘Nice. We should hang out.’
I raised my eyebrows, ‘Ehh, I’m actually pretty busy, like, forever probably.’ His face dropped and he began to mumble something before I smiled and said, ‘Jesus, I’m just kidding!’
‘That’s not funny.’
‘Then why are you smiling?’
‘I’m not!’ he said, his voice getting louder.
‘Oh my God,’ I whispered. ‘You are so loud!’
‘Well then fine! I didn’t want to hang out with you anyway!’ he shouted.
‘Shhh,’ I said, stepping on my tip-toes to kiss his face that was petulantly turned away from mine. I placed my hands on the side of his face to pull it closer to mine and alleviate some of the strain of kissing someone almost an entire foot taller than me.
He let out a low, ‘Mm,’ before mumbling, ‘your hands are cold,’ against my lips.
I kissed him and dropped my hands from his face before locking one finger in one of his belt loops and then quickly running both of my freezing ice-cold hands up under his shirt and running them from his stomach to his back to pull him closer to me.
He screamed at the sudden contact and stood straight up, arching his back and making a hissing sound as he inhaled. ‘OH MY GOD your hands are so cold!’
I smiled like a giddy child, and made some kind of unnatural laughing sound like, ‘Heh heh,’ as my hands began to warm up. ‘Want me to move my hands?’
‘Well I WANT your hands to be warm, so no. I will be a gentleman. But you’re being an asshole right now.’
I laughed. ‘Heyyyy.’
‘It’s true,’ he said, eyebrows arched and face serious as he nodded his head.
‘If it’ll make you happy you can put your hands up my shirt as well.’
‘Well that would definitely be fair,’ he said, still slightly cross.
‘Too bad for you I’m actually wearing a dress.’
‘Well too bad for YOU because you would probably like it.’
‘This is true,’ I admitted.
‘It’s okay, my hands aren’t frozen like yours.’
‘You know what they say? Cold hands, warm heart.’
‘That’s not true,’ he said, shaking his head and closing his eyes for emphasis. ‘In your case it is most definitely, cold hands, colder black heart.’
‘I’m a real ice queen, it’s true.’
‘You’re mean! And now I’m thinking about sticking my hands up your shirt. Just, RUDE.’
I took one hand out from under his shirt, grabbing his hand and placing it on my chest. ‘Better?’
He squeezed. ‘Kinda.’ He squeezed again twice in rapid succession. ‘Honk, honk!’
I laughed and rested my head against his chest to hide the stupid grin on my face, shaking my head back and forth. He removed his hand from my chest and locked both his hands behind me, resting them on the small of my back and kissed the top of my head. It was simple, sweet and probably the most intimate moment that I’d ever had with someone whom I’d known for less than three hours. I tilted my head back and looked up at his eyes through his thick glasses, probably still smiling like a fool, but I was too distracted by the way he was staring at me. We both looked like this:
He leaned into our breath that was crystalising in the air and kissed me again. ‘You’re cold. We should go inside.’
‘Probably,’ I said, rubbing my hands against his back. He no longer flinched at the touch so I assumed that they had reached a human temperature once more.
The corner of his mouth flinched into a half-smile. ‘You’re adorable.’
‘Adorable? Like a puppy?’
‘Like a puppy!’ he said loudly, squeezing me.
I choked my air out a bit under the pressure of his embrace, ‘Can’t…breathe.’
‘Shhhh,’ he said, leaning his face into my hair, ‘puppies can’t talk.’ I laughed as he turned me around and relocked his arms around me, hugging me from the back. ‘Let’s go inside, puppy.’
‘Why don’t I have a name?’
‘Because I just got you and I don’t know what you’re called yet.’ I suggested my name. ‘No, that’s not a puppy name. That’s a hot girl name.’ He couldn’t see me smiling, but he probably felt me laughing with his chest pressed tightly to mine as we attempted to walk back towards the house with him wrapped around me from behind. I only tripped once, but he caught me before I crashed to the icy ground, holding me a metre off the ground. ‘Gotcha!’ he said, pulling me back up.
We finally made it back into the house and no one batted a lash as we walked through the house and towards the kitchen with him still firmly pressed to my back. ‘Mm, what would you like for pudding?’ I asked.
‘There’s no pudding here,’ he said, standing next to me and grabbing my hand.
‘What are you talking about? Look at all the cakes.’
‘Have you ever had pudding?’
This went on longer than I’d like to admit before we accepted that we were both going to stick to our cultural interpretations of pudding.
‘Is that tiramisu?’ he asked, pointing at a cake with his free hand.
‘I just think that I don’t need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There’s three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin’ break!’ I said, quoting Superbad.
‘God I love that movie.’
‘I really want to watch it.’
‘I have it at my place,’ Tex said, squeezing my hand.
‘Oh, really?’ I asked, giving him some side-eye.
‘Mmhmm,’ he said, and once I had turned my glance towards him I noticed he hadn’t been looking at the cakes at all, eyes firmly fixed on me. If a guy is more interested in you than he is in cake, that’s also usually a good sign. Unless he’s diabetic in which case he probably didn’t really want any cake to begin with.
‘Hmmm,’ I said pretending to consider anything other than going home with Tex. ‘I should probably speak to Lily, I’m meant to be staying here.’
‘I can drive you back in the morning if you like,’ he offered.
‘Okay,’ I said, squeezing his hand before he bent down to kiss me.
We went to find Lily and standing outside of the closed door of her bedroom I hesitated for a moment before knocking, not really sure what to expect on the other end. The door opened quickly. ‘Hey!’ Lily said.
‘Hi!’ I said, slightly startled.
‘Come in! Where have you been?’
‘Um, just talking to Tex,’ I said, nodding towards the obvious large American lurking behind me.
‘Come on in, we’re just hanging out.’
I stepped in to see about seven people in her room, all talking to each other excitedly. I noticed a large, framed A4-sized photograph on her bed and picked it up. It was taken when we were ten with her sister and brother and some other friends. I looked at my ten year-old face and smiled before I noticed specs of white powder on the glass. ‘Have you been doing lines of coke off of my face?’
‘It’s such a cute face!’ Lily said, squeezing my cheeks.
I rolled my eyes. ‘Great.’ I ran my finger across the glass, cleaning it all up before rubbing my finger against my gums quickly (I was starting to fade, so couldn’t really hurt) and then turned to Tex, ‘Here’s what I looked like when I was ten.’
‘Cute. Baby puppy.’
‘Huh?’ he asked, still staring at the photograph.
‘Do you do drugs?’
‘Me neither, really,’ I lied, hoping he had missed what I had done moments earlier. ‘Well, I do sometimes,’ I confessed.
‘Yeah, I’m like ADHD enough as it is, so me and drugs just don’t mix well.’
‘I have a pretty aggressive case of ADHD as well. And am mildly OCD.’
‘I have dyslexia pretty bad,’ he admitted.
‘Well aren’t we just the pair?’
He laughed, putting his hand around my waist as we stood side by side looking at the photo once more. I had my arms wrapped around Lily and our faces were pressed close together in the photograph as all the older kids stood behind us. ‘Hey Lil,’ I said, still looking at the photo.
‘I think I’m going to head off,’ I said, looking up to lock eyes with her. She hadn’t lost the innocent face she’d had as a ten year-old, though her pupils were much more dilated.
‘I thought you were staying here?’ she asked, not really taking the obvious social cues from the proximity and bodily contact Tex and I were sharing.
‘I think I’m going to go watch a movie at Tex’s.’
She shrugged. ‘Okay, when will I see you again?’
‘Soon,’ I promised, reaching out to hug and kiss her.
‘Better,’ she said, kissing me on the cheek.
‘Maybe tomorrow? Brunch?’
I pulled away and grabbed my scarf and bag off of her bed, giving it a once over for any cocaine residue that may have spilled, but luckily it had been contained to the photo of my younger self.
‘Thanks for inviting me,’ Tex said loudly before waving and turning to walk away.
Lily laughed a little and raised her eyebrows at me before I gave her a look very reminiscent of this: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
‘Ready?’ Tex asked, pulling on his coat and backpack.
‘How are we getting there?’
‘Uber driver will be here in two minutes.’
I smiled, ‘I love a man who can do a bit of admin.’
‘I can also cook,’ he said, trying to squint his eyes in a way he probably thought was sexy.
I opened my mouth widely and pressed it to his and he stuck his tongue in my mouth. ‘Sexual.’ I stated as we pulled away, wiping spit off of our faces.
‘Come here, ya weirdo,’ he said, pulling me into an actual kiss before his phone buzzed and we headed outside towards the car.
Next time: Superbad and more weird snogging techniques!