RE: Heartbreak

Last week…or maybe two weeks ago…I don’t know, I am not great at keeping track of time…Anyway, some time ago I posted about my ex-boyfriend getting engaged to the person he started dating after we broke up, which wouldn’t mean much to anyone who wasn’t around in 2011 to witness my relationship with said ex. It was very dramatic and I wrote all about it. So, yeah, when I found out that Dale was engaged I think it was quite reasonable to feel like: To be clear, since our breakup in 2011 I haven’t been sitting around pining away for him. For the first two years I sent him two text messages, both on his birthday, which were met with consistent silence. In 2014 I needed the professional opinion of someone in his field of work, and he obliged via a Facebook message, after which we did not speak again. I was obviously aware through Facebook that he had a girlfriend, but didn’t think much of it. I eventually started seeing other people a couple of months after our final fight in 2011 during which he made it clear that we were never, ever, ever getting back together. Like, ever. And [...] There's more...

All Work and No Play

April through June was perhaps the most miserable I’ve ever seen my friends. Earl, who is generally one of the happier people I know, looked as if someone had just killed his puppy all the time. Russ walked around with a vacant look on his face, and got into a strange sleeping pattern in which he slept all day and studied all evening, because he couldn’t ‘handle sunlight.’ Al wore the same outfit for days on end, put on half a stone, and started smoking. Well, started smoking again. Everyone I know pretty much exhibited at least one (but usually all) of the above characteristics. I was never driven to smoking, but I had the urge for the first time ever. I was sat in the dining hall one evening, buried in notes as I mindlessly poked my food around on the plate. I had conceded that the food in hall wasn’t actually as bad as I thought, and I didn’t have time to make my own food, so it sufficed. ‘Alright?’ Russ said wearily, sitting across from me. ‘Ugh.’ My replies to people had been reduced to guttural sounds. ‘Tell me about it.’ He said, digging into his food. [...] There's more...

Let’s Go Back …

‘Dude, where are you?’ Lad Boy moaned into the phone. His summers in New York made him think it was socially acceptable to call people “dude”. ‘Mate, I’m on my way. Just calm down.’ ‘Where are you exactly?’ ‘I don’t know, I’m fucking stopped on the side of the street because you’ve interrupted my google-map to find my way to you.’ ‘Fine. So you’re close then?’ ‘Google says ten minutes.’ ‘What?! There’s no way that it’s more than five from the station you got off at.’ ‘It’s going to be fifteen if you don’t let me off the phone!’ ‘I’m coming to find you.’ ‘Fine. See you in a minute.’ I hung up and looked around one of the most foreign areas of London I’d ever been in. Foreign to me, at least. Lad Boy and I were diabolical at manoeuvring around London generally, so his critical concern for my whereabouts isn’t without reason. We got lost driving around South London for two hours once. My comment that we would have been better off getting the train back to uni wasn’t well received. I went back to google mapping my way towards him and about five minutes later I heard [...] There's more...

I Want You to Want Me

Do you ever look at your life and think, This is the opposite of what I wanted to happen … ? That’s the problem with wanting things. There’s no guarantee you’ll get them and often what you want is quite a superficial longing for something. Whether it’s a person or a thing or a trip or a job … none of it really matters in the grand scheme of things, does it? Take, for example, my painfully prolonged obsession with Dale after we broke up. Knowing what kind of person he is now, there’s no way there was ever going to be lasting happiness there. Infatuation often makes one blind to the reality of the situation, which is that he is a dickhead and I am not, so it was never going work on that basis alone. I wanted a first. I did not get a first. I had a momentary pity party in which I stood in my room getting dressed after a shower, tears streaming down my face. I caught myself in the mirror, which is never good when crying because I look particularly red and awful when I cry. For some reason I didn’t have that kind [...] There's more...

Put a Fork in Me, I’m Done

(The title was originally simply, Put a Fork in Me, but then I realised that one casually perusing the blog for the first time may see the blog title, then the post title, and get the completely wrong idea.) *     *     * I felt a kink in my arm and shifted positions slightly. Still didn’t feel right. I craned my neck backwards and I shifted onto my elbow as I clenched my left fist. My heart started to pound a bit harder as the excitement of release rose, you could feel it in the entire room. As I shifted again the furniture creaked. ‘You have five minutes.’ My eyes shifted from my exam to the clock ahead of me for momentary visual confirmation. Four minutes and fifty-seven seconds now. I did quick mental math as to how much time had to be allocated to editing each question. I started with the one that still needed a conclusion. 3:28 Shit, spent too much time on that fucking conclusion. I thought as I began scribbling furiously to finish another essay. 1:49 My hand is going to fall off. I thought and shook my right hand quickly. Can your [...] There's more...

I Always Was One for Crying

‘It hurts that I can’t remember sunlight …’ The feeling is one you usually experience at the beginning of the year, not at the beginning of the summer when you feel like sunlight is all that you get. When you enter post-exams socialising and events which you’d previously coordinated with an ex-boyfriend it doesn’t exactly make for great celebrations. Unfortunately Dale and I weren’t exactly required to be in the same place at the same place until now. While I may have tried to revert to old ways and have since slept with T and had an affairish time with Dr. Boy, it doesn’t mean that I want to see who I presumed to be the love of my life flirting with anyone else. It was hard enough that he didn’t agonise over our breakup as I did, I don’t want to see him moving on. I want to win this breakup. I’m not winning this breakup. In fact, I’m very much proving to him over and over again that I am not over him. Or maybe I’m just proving that to myself. For some reason this is stuck in my head. There's more...

Losing Hope is Easy

The hardest part about breaking up with Dale is losing hope that I could have it all. I now realise that the concept of a perfect balance between success in my academic or professional life and my personal life cannot go hand in hand. But I have a boyfriend or girlfriend and I’m at Oxbridge, you may say. At what sacrifice? There’s always at least one if the relationship is on compromising terms. There’s too many things I give up when in a relationship to make the rest of my life fulfilling, and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m a better person (and certainly a more interesting writer) when I’m single. On the one hand it makes me cry to think that I have to be alone and void of the kind of love that would make you do anything, but on the other I feel free of that binding mentalness that goes along with being in love. Being alone and single is great. Being in love is great. There are arguments for both, but unfortunately I have to choose one and I will choose myself first for the foreseeable future. Sifting through revision notes this evening [...] There's more...

Ex-cess Baggage

The weeks which are the prelude to exams are often filled with massive amounts of tension and stress. I deal with this kind of stress by obsessively organising and simplifying every aspect of my life. I cleaned my room, going through all of my possessions and taking everything I didn’t need or use to Oxfam. I went through all of my course notes for each paper, putting everything into relevant and chronological sections for potential exam essays. However, arguably the most important of my organising before things get too hectic, has been when it comes to my relationships, mainly the re-evaluation and purging of unnecessary ones. There are few people in my life that I don’t get on with for whatever reason, but there seem to be quite a few people in my life that I pretty much just tolerate without really enjoying their company. I’ll chat to them if they happen to be in the room, but I’d never seek these people out for a cheeky pub session or to catch up or lament my troubles to. I’d say they’re sub-acquaintances. Everyone knows people like this. You’d probably never even speak to them if it weren’t for mutual friends, [...] There's more...