Pub Therapy

I sat in the kitchen, staring at Alex run around through the glass door that lead out back. The tumble dryer droned out the silence and I tried to focus on it. My mind quickly snapped back into a million thoughts simultaneously racing through my head. I had spent most of the afternoon doing work, something I was never going to be able to neglect for long, but after taking a break to check my email and facebook, I had inevitably been drawn to Dale’s page. He was online. I clicked the chat button and stared at the blank dialogue box. I thought of possible greetings. Hi! Or, Hey. Or, How are you? Or, Please take me back. I closed the dialogue box. ‘Ughh.’ I exhaled in frustration. I tried to go back to my notes, but the ‘Chat’ button on his page still had that green dot next to it. I refreshed the page. Still there. I pressed ‘Home’ then saw the icon of his picture on the left under ‘Friends on Chat’. I clicked on his icon. There was nothing I’d really want to say to him via Facebook chat, so I pressed on his name and it [...] There's more...

You Can’t Decide What to Do if You Don’t Know What You Want

I was walking, well it was more like being dragged by Alex, to the pub. The dog is an alcoholic, what can I say? My phone rang and ‘Mum’ showed up on the screen. ‘Hi.’ ‘Hi sweetheart. How are you?’ ‘Bad.’ ‘Ohh. Why? You still haven’t told me what’s wrong.’ I paused, my eyes welling up with tears. I couldn’t avoid telling her forever, but I had only been home for a day and had been sleeping for the majority of the time, and she had been working the rest of the time. I put the phone down by my side for a second. I couldn’t breathe. I could hear her on the other end. She said my name as a question, knowing I hadn’t hung up as she could probably hear Alex’s heavy breathing from where the phone was. I put the phone back to my ear. ‘Dale dumped me.’ ‘That wanker!’ ‘No, it’s not like that. It’s just—’ I paused and took two quick and unintentional breaths. ‘Can we talk about this later? I really can’t be upset right now.’ ‘Of course, whatever you want. Where are you going?’ ‘To the pub for someone’s birthday.’ ‘Well that will [...] There's more...

Dog Days

I woke up and felt like I was on fire. I could feel slow methodical breathing next to me. I forgot how much hotter your bed could be with extra body heat. Sensing I was awake, I could feel them stir next to me and before I knew it a wet tongue was licking my face. My dog’s tail thumped hard against the bed. He stood up, and without any regard for his own size or body weight stepped right on me, wagging his tail furiously. ‘Agh!’ I yelled as his paw dug into my stomach. I laughed. ‘Okay, okay.’ I turned my head from his eager face. I hate when dogs lick you on the face. But I love my dog, and you can’t exactly get angry with a dog for trying to be friendly. Without realising it he had pinned me to my bed, him being a larger breed, and me being only slightly bigger than he. I looked at him, raised my eyebrows and blinked. ‘Are you going to let me get up?’ I asked. I don’t’ know why I talk to my dog. He looked at me, smiling and dribbling like an idiot. ‘Walk!’ I said, [...] There's more...

I Don’t Know

I woke up and stared at the wall. Either I hadn’t dreamt anything the night before or I couldn’t remember, either way I was grateful since the other dreams I’d been having mostly involved Dale, and not in a good way. In a let’s see what the breakup would have been like had we been on holiday in Moscow kind of way. Glad my mind wants me to travel the world and all but I wish it would forget about the breaking up part. Where were my dreams about threesomes when I needed them? It was ten in the morning. I knew I had to get to the library. By half ten I hadn’t moved, I hadn’t even really thought of anything. I use to wish I could cut off the constant dialogue running in my mind, but now that it’s gone I’m left with heavy silence, as if my brain is saying, ‘Yeah, I don’t want to think about it either. Laters.’ I couldn’t even think as to whether I was tired or not, so my eyes made the decision, closed, and I drifted back to sleep. At half eleven my phone began to ring. I picked it up [...] There's more...

Male Perspectives

I could hear Dale walking away through my closed door. I picked up a bottle of water and drank all of its contents. My throat had been dry and seizing up the entire time he had been there through our debriefing on the phone call from the night before. Sad is such a simple word. It’s rarely used because people tend to get hyperbolic with their feelings, I know I certainly do. The one part of our conversation that kept replaying in my mind was: ‘There’s nothing wrong with being selfish. I’m just angry that I decided to date the one person as selfish as I am.’ He smiled, looking down at his hands. ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘I am too. Because this is … just … sad.’ I said, slowly. Then in a whisper, ‘I’m very sad.’ ‘Me too.’ He said quietly. Sad was the most blatant and literal way to explain the situation. When it takes over it’s as if you’ve never felt anything else or been any other way. I become an empty shell of who I once was when I find myself at the depths of desperation. The problem was, there was nothing to be desperate for, I [...] There's more...

Men’s Needs

The phone rang. Knowing that Dale would call, I had changed his ringtone earlier in the day from a song that was an inside joke to a standard telephone ring just so I didn’t have to hear it. ‘Hello?’ ‘Hey … you free?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘Do you want to talk?’ ‘Yeah, I’m in my room if you want to come over.’ ‘Cool, I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.’ I got up and groggily brushed my teeth and put some lotion on my dried out face. I didn’t bother with anything else though. There was no use in trying to hide what a wreck I was. I looked across the room at his hoodie which was lying on a desk chair. I grabbed it and shoved it in a drawer. I wasn’t ready to give that up just yet. The second time I had woken up that day, about a couple of hours prior to Dale calling, there was no momentary relief from my living nightmare and I pulled my laptop out from where it had been buried in the duvet. A post I had written a couple days ago was flashing at me about how I’d be fine without Dale if [...] There's more...

Alone Again. Naturally. Or, Drowning.

I put my phone into my lap as a suppressed sob came out. Hand held against my eye trying to catch the tears, I could hear the silence on the other end as the phone sat there and I saw the seconds counting upwards. I had been on the phone with Dale for forty-two minutes and thirteen, fourteen, fifteen seconds. I have never cried in the presence of someone whilst being dumped, whether in person or on the phone. Ever. When The Ex and I broke up it was directly before I needed to fly somewhere. We kissed goodbye, I got on a train, and left. I made it all the way through security before I sat in Terminal Three weeping openly. ‘Sweetheart, don’t worry. The two places it’s okay to cry in public are airports and hospitals. No one will look at you.’ My mum said over the phone. ‘Don’t go, I’ll come get you.’ ‘No,’ I exhaled. ‘I’ll be okay.’ And eventually I was. This was different. I put the phone back to my ear. ‘Look,’ Dale said in a pained tone. ‘I didn’t want to do this over the phone.’ As many fluids leaked through my face [...] There's more...

The Man-Child

Are women to blame for the rise of the man-child? Or is society to lame for the rise of the twenty-something-child? Kay Hymowitz has written a book entitled, Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men Into Boys. I’m afraid the rise of women has also turned women into boys, or to put it another way – we have lost our sense of gender. Good. Women have had a pretty shit place in society for the last few centuries, and bar some childless heroines of the past, our roles have mainly been defined by our roles as mothers. The Times did an expose on Hymowitz’s book, and Andy Jones wrote his reply entitled, ‘Does adulthood really have to mean a wife, kids and a steady job?’ Hell, I don’t want to be a wife and have kids any time soon either, Andy, and I think what is really lacking from most of the criticism on male behaviour in society in the last few decades, is that it isn’t exclusively men taking longer to want to settle down. As much as I moan about relationship problems, the biggest problem I actually have with being in a relationship is that [...] There's more...

Anger Management

Or, the Polarising Effects of Love Saturday Afternoon I woke up wearing only my pants. I rotated my head to the side from where it had been, which was face down in my pillow. What I saw was what can only be pieced together as an explosion of all my personal belongings. I had apparently come home and, with complete disregard for my things, thrown them around the room. Mature. I glanced at the clock. It was two in the afternoon. I turned my head back into my pillow and groaned. My favourite pub only serves my favourite dish on the weekends and they stop cooking at half two. I pushed myself up and sat on my knees for a second. I grabbed the sweater dress I had been wearing the night before and pulled it over my head. I slipped on my flats and grabbed my jacket, laptop, and a book I needed to read for my course, shoving the latter two into my bag before rushing out the door. If you knew how good the food was at this pub you would rush as well. Erring on the side of caution, I phoned the pub and placed my [...] There's more...

Girls and Boys Two Doors Down

This music video is completely random, but the song is an accurate intro soundtrack to this post. *  *  * ‘I’m so annoyed with this essay. I literally know nothing about it and everything I’ve written is absolute bollocks.’ I moaned to Dale as we walked hand in hand swiftly through the brisk night air. ‘That’s really frustrating.’ He agreed. ‘I thought it would be a good topic to do since it’s clearly relevant to my course and so learning about something I wasn’t even aware I was suppose to have any kind of academic grasp on would be beneficial, but now I realise I didn’t study it before because it’s shit.’ He squeezed my hand, keeping my balance for me as I kept talking whilst simultaneously wobbling along the cobblestone path in my high heeled boots. ‘It’s just rubbish. And the topic they’ve given asks for something that there is maybe one example of anywhere. Ugh.’ I tripped, and Dale caught me before I actually stumbled, but we kept walking as if nothing had happened. He was use to my clumsiness and the fact that I tend to walk through life a bit like a three year old, stumbling [...] There's more...