Sex At Oxbridge

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Freshers Week Survival Guide 

Ah, October. When the fresh and brightest faces appear in Oxbridge. The excited last minute shopping sprees with the parents to put the last bits of furnishings around the room. The disappointment when you realise your room is a glorified cupboard, or the shock and awe of a palatial penthouse suite for the lucky few. Freshers Week is exciting for any Oxbridge student, new or old. It’s a time before responsibility hits and when we can hop on the Lashional Express and make some bad decisions.  

Having passed my share of Freshers Weeks with flying colours, I can outline a few guidelines, or warnings if you will. This is mainly aimed at the freshers, as most seasoned veterans have most likely made or seen these mistakes.  

But first, a disclaimer for the parents: My dear Mum and Dad picked up a university newspaper when they were first leaving me all on my lonesome to discover the wonders of the Oxbridge. To their shock and horror it made the university seem like nothing more than a drinking society with a studying problem. I assure you, your children are in competent hands. For the less competent freshers though:  

1. Don’t be THAT couple. There is always a couple who meet Freshers Week and fling themselves into a serious relationship. This will end one of two ways: 99.9% of the time in 2nd or 3rd year heartache, leaving the question ‘Why did I waste my university time with that ONE person?’ In this scenario, you dedicate most of your extracurricular time to this person, often neglecting all other acquaintances and leaving you to be that obnoxious person who cries about a breakup for six months and then hooks up with everyone in college. Don’t do that. Oh, and the other .1% get married. Good luck finding a bridal party though.  

2. Don’t go home with someone in your college during Freshers Week. You have to see them for the rest of the year. And next year. And the year after. And everybody will know that the two of you went home together. Don’t be THOSE two. 

3. Don’t kiss and tell. No one likes the details of their random hookups to be known to the world. And if you ever want to get busy with that person again, it’s best to keep your private life private.  

4. Don’t get kicked out of the local clubs. Bouncers don’t forget. But, if you end up alone and at another club then you can look at it as a friend-making opportunity! That’s a lie, don’t go anywhere alone if you’re a fresher. You might get lost, and asking directions to your own college makes you look like a total saddo.  

5. Don’t get paralytically drunk to the point where you pass out in public. Having people carry you home isn’t friendship-bonding, it’s fucking annoying. And no one will like you for it. 
6. Don’t drink at Vinnie’s or the Hawks Club. Your young fresher constitution can’t handle those kinds of drinks. If you have to ask what a Pinky or a Tomahawk is, you shouldn’t be drinking one. 
And that’s all I have for now. More to come once I sober up again x x 

2023 Update: I stand by all of this. Especially not kissing and telling. Unless it’s anonymously to everybody on the internet.

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