I’ve been quiet for awhile, and not just in the world of blogging, so nothing personal. Though I promised to write about Mutt next, recent events have inspired other topics. Let’s go back approximately one week and three days ago. Aka, Saturday the 11th of October.
19:20 Cycling into town, on my mobile to Lad Boy
LB: What UPPP?
Me: I was just dumped.
LB: What?! Aw, I’m sorry. What happened?
15:35 Grey’s room
Grey: I don’t think I can do this anymore.
19:21 Bike. Mobile. Lad Boy
Me: I don’t know, I’m not surprised. Just. Fucking. Ugh! I was going to dump him!
LB: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Stop acting like you don’t care. You’ll be fine though. Go find someone to shag and text me in the morning.
LB: No, but really, are you okay?
Me: Yeah, totally. I’m fine.
LB: Really? Because you’re doing that thing where your voice gets higher when you’re lying. ‘I’m fiiiine.’
Me: Really. I. Am. Fine.
23:40 Outside the gates of Grey’s college, drunk and walking my bike. I run into a mutual friend of Grey and mine.
MF: Hey! How are you?
Me: (Burst out crying here) He dumped me! (More crying and incoherent retelling of the ordeal).
16:36 Grey’s Room
Grey: [“It’s not you, it’s me,” “It’s just not fair to you,” bullshit kind of speech here.]
Me: You’re right, this is all you. Don’t bring me into this and claim what’s fair and not fair to me. Breakup with me if you want, but you need to do this because it’s what you want, not because it’s what you think is what’s fair to me.
Grey: … It’s what I want.
19:24 Almost to my location in town. Still talking to Lad Boy.
LB: Call T, he was just asking about you.
Me: Yeah, maybe.
LB: Look, you’re going to be fine. It’s you!
Me: I know, it just sucks right now.
LB: I know it does. It won’t forever though. Go get pissed, that’ll help.
23:42 College gates.
Me: (More incoherent babbling and crying).
MF: There, there.
I woke up the next morning, alone in my bed, wearing half of the clothes I had worn out the night before. Specifically, the bottom half. I guess I got lazy after the shirt and bra were off. I couldn’t say, as I have no recollection of what happened after 23:43. Did I ride my bike home? Possibly, as I found it strewn across one of the lawns in my college, locked to itself the next morning. It would appear that I ate some marmite on toast when I got back, as my desk still has a hint of the smell of marmite and there are crumbs everywhere. I was also halfway through an episode of Ugly Betty on 4oD before passing out. Classy.
I didn’t even know where to start the next day. I lay in bed, watching the clock ticking closer to the time of my lecture, the one thing I had to do that day. A lot of phrases get thrown around breakups – “broken heart,” or, “they really hurt me.” I think these are inaccurate summaries of my feelings, mainly because it’s as if I have none. Someone punching you in the stomach – that hurts, and it could break something. This is more of an emptiness, a nothing, blah kind of sensation.
I hate to admit it (because I have a desperate need to be right about, and in charge of, everything) but Grey was right when he said that we would be better as friends. A large part of me wanted to tell him to fuck right off, but the fact that he was my best friend for so long won’t change. I had felt as if things were slowly crumbling in our relationship for awhile, but pushed the nagging feeling that I should end things with Grey because I was afraid that he would react to a breakup exactly how I did – with acceptance and a hint of apathy. The apathy was just a front though. I don’t like people to know how much I care. My mum once asked The Ex to tell her something about me and he said, “She’s very guarded.” Despite it being the most awkward dinner conversation in the history of awkward dinner conversations, it was true.
I don’t show things because people have their own problems, and no one wants to sit there and listen to every minute detail of your mental and emotional state. If people knew the extent to which I analyse and over-think the most mundane situations they would think I was an absolute nutter. To be fair though, I’m not the best at hiding my feelings. Certain physical clues, like clenching my teeth or a raise in pitch in my voice, usually give me away. As cool as we tried to play the whole breakup situation, both Grey and I were desperate to get it over with so we could go our separate ways and breakdown in peace.
The SAO-Grey Breakup Song: “If I Had Eyes” Jack Johnson